More Bitching and Moaning

First day of Bold Moves October, I did not a damn thing. Second day, I shared part of a story with the handful of people who keep up with this blog. Third day. Not a damn thing. Fourth day. Still not a damn thing. And today, the fifth day of this magical Bold Moves month, I still haven't done a single goddamn bold thing. But I have a plan. It's a very delicate plan, and it requires a balance. If I discuss it further, the scales will tip and I'll be screwed. Like, super boned.

Until I can speak more openly on that, I will speak openly on everything else. Which is something I sincerely make efforts to do in my day to day life, but people make it really damn difficult. Everyone is always sensitive. People say they prefer honesty, but they're fucking liars and they just want you to lie to them in return. It's like they see it as them doing you a favor, by lying and not telling you how they really feel about things, so naturally they expect you to lie to them as well. They probably even expect you to lie to other people as well. Pay it forward, but in a really cynical and insincere way. So since I haven't made any additional bold moves, I'm instating a shiny new honesty system. That's my move.

Today, I boldly decide that from now on, I will try to be as honest as possible with people, without intentionally hurting their feelings. I will try very hard not to insult them in my efforts, but if it happens I will feel sorry, and I will try to express that. I will be sincere, and I will try to be helpful in my critique. Sometimes, most times, my honesty will likely all be very negative. However I will make a genuine effort to find a positive, in an attempt to counter-balance this. With that in mind, I will also make it a personal goal of mine to find ways to be honest and constructive without being unkind. Until I can do that, I will likely just come across as mean. It happens. I accept that.

While being honest, I would like to say that I have $10 in my saving account, and that is because I recently (today) moved $20 to my checking account to cover a payment coming out next week. So this morning, I had $30 in my savings account.

That is my life.

At work the other day, one employee was telling me that another employee was possibly leaving for a job with an annual income of $23,000.00. I said wow, and she said to me, "you think that's a lot?"

I cannot properly convey how she sounded when she said it across the internet and with only written word. This makes me incredibly sad and aggravated because now when I continue my bitching you won't quite understand where all my rage is coming from. Suffice it to say, she sounded very condescending. Thus my bitching continues:

Yes. Yes I do think that's a lot of fucking money. Do you know how many hours I work, and how much money I make? Because I damn well do, and I would be incredibly grateful to be making that much money. Oh, you started here making that much money? Good for fucking you. I did not. I started barely above minimum wage and it took me three years to get to the pay rate I have now. No, I don't have a bachelor's degree in whatever business bullshit you have. I only have an associates and it constantly seems to be one of the worst decisions I ever made. But I worked up to my measly rate, and maybe it did take me three years (three fucking years!) but I am actually proud that I was able to accomplish so little with so little training and formal education. No, I don't own my own house with a 30-year mortgage because I could never afford the down payment on anything because I'm busy blowing all my cash on bills and student loans. You aren't familiar with student loan payments because you were fortunate enough to have parents who were well off and who paid for your education. That must be nice. I didn't have that. Do you know what I made last year? I was barely into four digits. To file at the end of that stupid fucking year, and discover that all the mental and physical exhaustion of such a bullshit fucking job was for barely anything was humiliating, infuriating, and depressing. Yes, I do think making $23,000.00 a year is a lot of money. Yes, I realize that it actually is not. Yes, I think you are an awful person to speak to another human being in such a condescending and belittling tone. And where we work too, no less. Like it isn't enough for me to know that my job is crap and my title is meaningless and all the work I do is equally meaningless and to know that no one else there really gives a crap and that my work ethic is slowly being destroyed by constantly being surrounded by people who don't give a fuck but being made to feel like I should for some reason. On top of that, I have you making me feel like a fucking peasant. Fuck you. You're a terrible human being. I deserve better than to have to hear comments like that from people like you.

It's probably good not to be too honest sometimes, cause if I had actually said any of that I probably wouldn't have that shitty job. It really sucks to have to rely on something that provides so little and so much at the same time. While also sucking my will to live.