Radical (Random) Honesty

1. When I was seventeen I had a huge crush on this kid with a famous physicists name (think apples) and I was so nervous to talk to him that I actually wrote a note to him. It asked what his full name was. No joke. That's all it was. And I handed it to him. Not even like, discreetly slid it across the table to him in class or anything. I waited until we were leaving and I left ahead of him, about to bitch out, and then I turned back and nearly knocked him over, and handed him the note. And then quickly vacated. I felt like such a loser. The next time we had class he sat next to me and told me his full name and nothing ever happened cause I'm stupid-shy and we pretty much talked via notes in class. I'm kinda friends with him now. Almost seven years later.

2. Sometimes when I lie to one person about something, doesn't matter what it is, I'll retell that lie to someone else even if that person has nothing to do with the lie, just to propagate it. In the highly unlikely eventuality that it will come up in conversation at some future date. As I'm doing it I will occasionally think to myself how utterly ridiculous the whole thing is.

3. I listen to crappy music. I also listen to really good music, but I pretty much only tell people about the crappy music. I have no idea why. Probably so that if they ever happen to see the music on my phone, or in my iTunes library, they'll be like, 'her musical tastes aren't THAT bad... this is actually a very broad selection. Is that album called 'World Lounge?' How cultured and open-minded of her.'

4. Over the course of say, an eight hour day, I am sucking my stomach in for at least 7.5 of those hours. The sad thing is that I'm probably not as chubby as I feel I look, but I refuse to just let my gut hang out so people can ask me if it's a boy or a girl, or when I'm due. I once had an old friend tell me she was asked that when she wasn't pregnant and I swore to myself that I would never let myself get to that point with my body. And then I got into a really good relationship and developed a 'love-chub' (a gut, not an erection) and hated myself for months. I avoided my own reflection. Sad true story.

5. I am the vainest, most conceited, most self-destructive person I know. I know I just said that I avoided my own reflection but I totally looked at (and still do) myself every time I pass a reflective surface. I focus on my face, or my hips, or how my thighs look in these jeans. If I'm passing a reflective surface, I'll glance back behind me as if something interesting is going on just where I passed to check out my own ass. If I'm approaching a surface, mirror in a store, front door of a store, shiny car, I'll check out my own walk. And then make fun of my own jeans and how they come down over the tops of my shoes. Or if I see my face, I'll make hateful comments about my acne or how frizzy my hair is. In my head though.

6. When people accidentally touch me, it makes me want to punch them in the throat. I hate it. What the hell are you doing so close to me anyway?

7. I have this weird habit of watching something, or reading something, and then imagining that a person from that thing is actually in the room with me. So sometimes when I talk to myself, which is a lot when I'm writing...or in general, I'll be talking to them. Which I'm positive is a form of mental illness and completely unhealthy and fucking crazy. I have done this for as long as I can remember. And I am amazed that no one has caught on yet.

Real Quick

Just a note to say that I have successfully lost twelve pounds since January. 18 to go. Bring it honeymoon.