This One's For My Homies

My sister-in-law sent me a text today, one among many bitching about my brother and Christmas gifts. Amidst these angry texts I also received a suggestion to write a blog about one of her recent Facebook statuses and how no one really commented on it and they should have.

So I read it:

Awkward Christmas song lyrics, Under My Tree by 'N Sync:
No one else but me and you
Nothing I would rather do
Then make all your dreams come true
Under my tree
Such a cozy rendez-vous
Just relax enjoy the view
I'll show you how could it could be.
I wish that Santa could be here to see
It's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful under my tree

Now, when I first copied these lyrics over yonder, I had already told Jeremy she had this status. So I get them here, and I'm like, 'Alright here are the Awkward Christmas lyrics.' And I read them aloud. Our conversation went as follows:

Me: (after the lyrics) So that's it.
Jeremy: ...I think it's about the chick licking his balls.
Me: What?
Jeremy: Read it again, that's what it's about.
:I read it again:
Me: Are you saying the tree is-
Jeremy: The tree is his dick.

This made me think of Dick-in-a-Box. I don't know that I agree with this assessment, but it did make me laugh. Merry Christmas... ladies.

Other things that made me laugh: myself. Just now. We were talking about T-shirts and this one shirt he bought me, it's a picture of a dandy looking cup of tea with a cane and monocle, rocking some spats, and running like a spazz behind him is a freaked out cup o' Joe, with crazy eyes. It says, 'Tea, the gentleman's coffee.' Get it, guys? It's my T-shirt. My, t shirt. Tea shirt. It made me CTO.

That's a new thing. I'm starting a new LOL, it's CTO. Chortling To Oneself, or Chortled To Oneself. It'll catch on.

I make myself laugh all the time. (That's actually a line from my sister-in-law. She had it in her About Me on Myspace, back in the day. When I read it, I CTO. CTO'd? This is going to be a tough one to move into the vernacular.)

In unrelated news, I made Jeremy watch The Godfather Saturday night and I live-tweeted his comments. There weren't many, but they amused me. Lots of things amuse me. I would link to it, but it's Twitter. You'll never find it. ... I probably should've put it on my Tumblr now that I think about. Or even hear. I could transpose, I suppose. Apropos of nothing... see what I did there?

I'm done now.

I Couldn't Sleep

Early this morning while trying to sleep (I got home at 4, for a change.) I was thinking about my wedding dress and how I originally thought that because of how informal it was I would be able to wear it anywhere afterwards. Then I realized that if I wear it anywhere with my family I'll have to hear stupid jokes about wearing my wedding dress out and blah blah blah. Except it won't be limited to my family. His family will do it too. :sigh: Such are the problems of coming from a sarcastic family and marrying into another one.

I also remembered that I totally wore white to a wedding once, completely by accident. I actually only realized last night (this morning) when I was thinking about my other white (ish) dress. It has flowers and stuff on it and it might be an off-white, but still... nobody called me on it either. There was no mention of it from anyone. I wonder if anybody even noticed... I've always been curious about that. Shouldn't everyone be looking at the bride anyway? Nobody should even know if a guest is wearing white, unless that guest takes a picture with either the bride or groom. In which case, just Photoshop her dress a different color.

Coming Soon: out of context texts from my husband.

Because I think he's funny and everyone has to suffer my terrible sense of humor.

He's a Doctor, I Should Trust Him, Right?

OR Freaking Out Because of Non-Existent Realities and Also Because I'm a Paranoid Hypochondriac With a Way Overactive Imagination.

So we saw 50/50 last night. Really good movie. I cried a few times. It also made me really nervous about the whole breast-cancer-not-breast-cancer-thing. (I'm not still awake at 3 in the morning because of it though, that's just my sleep schedule for the past month and half.) I have to go back in about 4 weeks for another ultrasound to see if the "totally benign" lymph node is still there. The doctor said if it was then he would want to remove it, and I agree with that decision. Because nobody wants inflamed things just hanging out in their boob. Remove that.

But I started wondering if maybe it isn't actually benign. He didn't do a biopsy because he assumed it wasn't a big deal. I had no other indicators of breast cancer, nothing was misshapen, there was no discoloration, no discharge, no family history- I'm going to stop there for a minute.

When I first told mom that I had this appointment scheduled, which also included what we were looking for, she neglected to mention to me that our family does have a very brief (read vague) history with breast cancer/boob related things. Apparently a great aunt on her side had a mastectomy, one of her sisters had an issue with a fatty cyst, and she had one other example for me that I honestly was tuning out on because she told me this after my appointment. Which is also after I told the nurse, the doctor, and even the paperwork that I did not have any family history with these things. So I kinda panicked and called the office, but they were like, it's cool we'll see what's going on when you see the doctor in January.

Back to the paragraph before this. If it's still there in January I don't know if he'll want to do a biopsy first or just remove it. He said he would want to take it out, but he didn't say anything about checking out what it might be first. I've had a biopsy before, it was incredibly painful and I vomited pretty much the entire next day from the searing pain. (It was in the mysterious lady area, and that's a story for a different time. Or never at all.) So I have no idea what a biopsy is like with external maladies. At this stage I'm only concerned and curious.

Then of course I just fucking snowballed from there to it actually being cancer and needing to go through chemotherapy and what it would do to my body and if I would ever be able to have children and I nearly lost it sitting in the movie theatre. It was an emotional scene, but I honestly don't remember it because for some reason I conjured up this eternally fucked up story in my head: what if I found out I was pregnant, and that I also had breast cancer?

Yeah.

I did that to myself. While watching a heart warming comedy with my husband. I imagined a horrifying future for the two of us where I die young and childless.

You should never tell a hypochondriac there is even a 1% chance that the lump in her breast is cancerous. Lie to me, Doc. Seriously, just lie.

Also, when my lady-parts doctor found the lump he said, "It's probably nothing to worry about. How old are you?" I said 23. He said, "Oh definitely nothing to worry about. You're young."

So, I can't have breast cancer because I'm young, according to my doctor. I assume, had I asked, he would have told me the other girls don't like me cause they're jealous of how pretty I am.