I Got Angry Suddenly

I watched a movie in the dark last night while the Husband was at a karate class. I was thoroughly enjoying the film and the comfort of the dark on a humid night and then Husband called to let me know he was on his way home. When he asked what I was doing and I told 'watching Sunset Boulevard in the dark' he said, 'mhrm, weird.' Then I thought about it, and is it actually weird? I don't know what's weird anymore. I can't see where the line is. So I just keep doing my thing and learn what's weird when people are like, 'Storm, that's weird, stop doing that.' Except I rarely quit because I generally enjoy what I'm doing. Like watching movies in the dark.

I'm still learning social cues. How sad is that? At 25 I still don't have a full grasp of 'time and place for everything.' I got an inkling of it when I read Where The Wild Things Are, but then on later reflection I discovered I was probably misunderstanding the point of that story. (Everyone has a mental disorder? Sometimes people are bipolar? I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.)

Some cues I've stumbled across recently:

• When people ask if you've lost weight, they don't really care if you have or not, they want you to ask if they have.
• When people how you've been or what you've been up to, they don't care they just want you to ask what they've been up to. You could have pulled a child from a burning building or scaled Kilimanjaro, they aren't interested. In fact, to tell them about that would be in bad taste because you'll only make them feel like they're underachievers.
• If you've done anything charitable or good, tell everyone. Just throw it in their faces so they feel like shit because what the fuck have they done lately? Oh you rearranged the living room? That must look real nice. Yes I always thought that end table would look lovely by that window. You must be so proud. (This conflicts with the previous knowledge I've presented regarding social situations. That's actually a recurring theme in humans.)
• Do you think :insert name of person, animal, special interest, etc. here: is the best thing ever? You're probably right. Go ahead and tell everyone that what they think is best is wrong and then tell them it's because your best thing is the best because you said so and if they ever thought their best thing was best then they were stupid. Cause your thing is best.
• Humans have no grasp of the concept of 'opinion' and like to make everyone else feel terrible for disagreeing with them. They also really love to 'disown' people, or stop beings friends with them for not having same interests, or not knowing the same things they know. You've never heard of this movie? We can't be friends anymore. You don't know this song? I can't be seen with you. You don't know who this person is? Were you raised by wolves? (This is an especially interesting quality in the race. It seems that they feel if their friends would only listen to a particular song, or read a certain book, show an interest in anything that a person has an interest in then they would immediately love it the, exact, same, way that that person does. This is ludicrous. Nobody loves anything exactly the same way. Nobody feels the exact same way as anybody else. That's part of makes humans so diverse. Maybe they will like it, maybe they won't. Admittedly, at least give it a try, is a nice concept. Regardless though, sharing interest in something so trivial shouldn't determine whether you can be friends with a person or not. I'll allow an exception for things that have sincerely changed your life for the better. And if a person constantly makes fun of the thing you're into, instead of being an adult about it and accepting that if nothing else at least it makes you happy.)
• Everything is a double standard. Everything.

I've gleaned more, but this turned into something angry unintentionally so I'm going to go deal with that anger through the therapy of written word. I stole that line from The Following, which by the way I am still not a big fan of. I wish Joe Carroll had been portrayed by the dude playing Roderick. That guy was charming and enigmatic and I buy people following him blindly. James Purefoy... make better decisions.

Weight Issues. What's New?

Got out my summer clothes to make myself feel shitty cause I like the abuse. Not really, but it's hard not to think that's why I did it. I knew full well none of those clothes would fit me cause despite my best efforts I've managed to tack on approximately 10-15 pounds since last summer. I guess I was just hoping they would fit a little better than they ended up fitting even if they were still too small. A few pairs of shorts weren't  completely god awful, and one bikini still fits well, but everything else? I definitely need to lose about 10 pounds before summer. That or buy a whole new summer wardrobe.

I keep getting asked if I've lost weight, which is nice since I'm trying to (cause I hate my body, like every other woman alive), but I haven't so when I say no they disagree with me. Like I would lie about it. How do I benefit from that? I don't understand this concept. Sometimes I just wear more flattering clothing. I try to dress for my body, but it's that weird shape, where it doesn't fit into hourglass or pear but it's somewhere in the middle. Whatever. I have a pretty nice ass so if nothing else, ya know. That.

I would rely on my intelligence and humor, like I've done all my life, but I find more and more that people are intimidated by it, or flustered by it, or in the case of my humor, don't always get it. That's frustrating for me. A friend recently told me she was nervous to talk to me when we originally met because I seemed so smart and she didn't want to sound stupid. She's over that now obviously, cause we're friends, but I hope when she said she was over it she meant being nervous to talk to anyone that seemed smarter than her. Guys, smart people want friends too. Not a lot of them, cause we aren't very social people. But some. Some friends. Who are also smart. I have those friends. We talk about you when you're not around. (JK... but seriously.)

Clerk Apprentice I

I had my six week evaluation yesterday. I've worked there longer but your time is determined by how many hours you work, which is also how I gain seniority (so note to self, start picking up more hours). They may have also waited till they had done everyone else's yearly evaluations, and there's a bunch of us so that takes time. Regardless, I am now officially a Clerk Apprentice I. I got to switch out my name tag and everything. I also got glowing reviews and I was even complimented on my eloquent grasp of the English language. Seriously. Last week I had to turn in the goals and objectives, and when I met with my supervisor yesterday she said that she normally has to change some wording or sometimes rewrite the goal entirely so that it reads more professionally and she barely had to change anything in mine. She was very impressed with how well I presented myself.

I had gotten to a point at work where I was just doing my thing and hoping it was good enough, sub-par at best, and I was fine with that approach. It didn't occur to me that even when I'm not really trying I'm still excelling because it's in my nature to work hard. But I don't like not caring. I felt like I was doing good work, but no one was saying that so I had no idea if I actually was. Turns out that because I don't receive praise a lot, I often forget the good things about myself. If I'm not constantly being reminded that I'm good at things, I start to forget and end up thinking I'm actually not good at anything. It's pretty rough. A person shouldn't need constant validation. That's unhealthy. But I've recognized that trait in myself and I'm trying to correct it. I don't like that it's me this many years to see it though.

I was worried that maybe I was too quiet at work, and that's something I thought I should work on in my goals. Then I was complimented on that aspect because it creates a more trusting environment where people feel secure that I won't be talking about them behind their backs. Which happens a crazy lot, but that's to be expected when you have women working together unfortunately. They think I'm calm, adaptable, timely, efficient, and polite. These things are all true. They also think I show potential for more responsibility, which I guess is good. I don't know that I really want that right now. I suppose if it leads to something full-time then I should be more open to it. I don't like being responsible for things though. It doesn't make me nervous I just don't like having to deal with people who don't take direction well and then I end up having to correct their mistakes and doing twice the work. That doesn't sound fun at all.

Oh, also, I get an automatic raise in six months.

I Wrote This

I can't believe I still haven't told you guys about my awesome exchange with my landlord regarding fixing our GD toilet and bathroom sink. It's best if it's brief. He said he'd stop by last Wednesday, which was cool cause I didn't have anywhere to be until 2. He never showed up, never called. I assumed we'd just end up having to call a guy. Thursday while I'm at work, before we open, my phone rings. It's him. He was like, are you home? I said no. He said he was going to stop by anyway and just put the dog in our room while he was working. No, landlord I am not at home. Because you were supposed to stop by on Wednesday like we agreed. Not Thursday. Whatever. At least he was fixing stuff.

Later I get a voicemail from him that says lots of fun stuff. 'I have to have someone come out to take a look at the sink, we'll be there about 11 tomorrow, it's a bigger problem than I thought. If you're not home we'll just put the dog in the bedroom again. And I put all the parts back in the toilet. Alright bye.'

He put all the parts back in.

That's how he fixed our toilet.

He put all the parts back in.

When I told Jeremy about it he said the same thing I said when I first heard that sentence: were there parts missing? Could we have fixed this ourselves if we had only known where he was storing the parts?

It still makes me laugh.

That same day at work (the super slow day) I took a few brain tests to determine whether I'm right or left brain dominant. I took four actually, and these results are no joke. The first test, of 22 questions I answered with a left brain dominance 11 times. That's right. I broke even. Second test I answered primarily with the right side. Third test I answered primarily left. Fourth test? I broke even again. From four different sites. Basically online tests are bullshit. That or I sometimes use both sides and sometimes use one side more than the other. Like a normal human being!

I stumbled across a set of lines I wrote in a notebook back in January, I know because I haven't used that notebook since then. These lines were effin' prolific to me. No frontin'. They were like a damn fairy tale. And I had no recollection of ever thinking of them, or writing them. But I was flipping through the notebook and there they were, in my tiny tight and careless scrawl. They moved me. (So obviously I knew they weren't my own.) The third line I knew for a fact was from a Tom Waits song, but I couldn't figure out where the other ones came from. Even Google gave me confused results. Eventually I managed to hunt down a second line that I paraphrased from a Christina Perri song. Which led to the assumption that the other two were from songs. I was right. Sort of. I paraphrased Ellie Goulding in one and the last line I can't track down. I've been rifling through my library trying to find where I may have heard something either exact or similar since I seem to have used parts of lyrics to make my own lines. Anyway here it is.

fever in my bones
dancing in an empty room
never be free of me
follow the path of the dead

I keep getting different imagery when I read it or say it, so I'm not even sure what I may have been trying to say. It reads like blackout poetry, except with lyrics. (Which are a form of poetry.) If anyone knows where I may have gotten the last line from it would be super awesome if you could let me know. It's driving me bonkers not knowing.

Pills, Work, Words, Iceman

Every morning I go through the arduous task of trying to swallow my birth control pill. From the time I put it in my mouth, to the time I actually manage to swallow it, always differs. This morning it was only like, fifteen seconds. Yesterday morning it took me almost a full minute. I don't have the easiest time taking pills but I really didn't think a pill this tiny would be so difficult.

I have to have liquid in my mouth before I can put any kind of pill in it, cause I'm insane and I imagine that if I put the pill in first it'll just sit on my tongue like so much dead weight and no matter how much I drink it'll never move until it dissolves and then I'll be stuck with that awful taste. So I take a drink first and then imagine the pill is just floating around in the there trying to find the back of my throat cause it wants to go home. (In this analogy, home is heaven and the back of my throat is the guiding light. It's fucked up, I know.)

Sometimes I have to take a second drink cause I've managed to swallow all of the first sip without taking the pill so it's just sitting there drying out and making me feel sick. Sometimes I use a really cold beverage and by the time I manage to get the stupid pill down that sip can be best described as lukewarm. (Occasionally, hot. Gross.) Sometimes it gets stuck between my back molars and the inside of my cheek, that happened three consecutive mornings last week. I was angry. Once I thought I had taken it, but it turns out it started to dissolve and had reached the point where when it was trapped between my molar and mouth, it was so tiny that I didn't even notice I hadn't actually swallowed it.

Sometimes I can take the pill with just a handful of water from the bathroom sink. If you've never taken a handful of water from a faucet before, what have you been doing with your entire life? I bet you also use an actual cup to rinse your mouth after brushing your teeth. You pretentious ponce. It's not a whole bunch of water, in that handful, is the point I was trying to get at. I used to take a super tiny pill with basically the equivalent amount of water, and it was no trouble. I did it just last Sunday. Why is my mouth-throat-water-pill-situation never the same?

Those are just the issues with the birth control. I take vitamins too. Half of them I chew. They're not chewables. I have some issues with swallowing small objects. Which... I guess is... good? At least I know I'll never be inclined to eat like, Legos, (Lego's?) or something. (At 25. When the pallet finds Legos most delectable.)


A couple days ago at work some broad asked me to help her retrieve a password that had been sent to her email. I saw it was a yahoo address, I directed her to the yahoo website. She said, do I type it in here? and gestured to some random point on screen. I corrected her and prepared myself for the absurdity that I knew was forthcoming. We go through her logging in process and it says the username and password is incorrect. I asked her to try typing in the password again and she says, I don't remember it. I ask if she was trying to tell me that the password she was trying to get was for her email. She says no and gestures wildly to some lottery scratch-off cards she has in front of her, eventually explaining (I made a lot of helpful guesses in this game of 'guess what this string of mumbles and murmurs means'.) that she had entered an email address on this website and that they had sent a password to this email for her to use on the same website. Or some such nonsense.

Long story short (too late): she didn't even have an email address. She had made one up for the purpose of that website, and if that email already existed then she's out of luck because somebody else has the password she was looking for.


The other day, while killing time at the slowest branch at work, I found one of the loveliest definitions to an already lovely word.

    suspire:

1. to breathe
2. to sigh

"And from that one intake of fire/ All creatures still warmly suspire" - Robert Frost
(Thank you Free Dictionary.)

I love the word 'wherein.' I think it's so magical. It sounds like an adventure awaits, and not just any adventure. This particular adventure has sword fights, and eye patches, and a rambling old fool who turns out to be the rightful lord of the land, and a damsel who for once isn't in any distress. Speaking of which, one of my favorite things ever in film is the scene in Enchanted when Giselle slays the dragon, because I'm bored of women always finding themselves in trouble and then having to wait for a white knight to save them. Save yourself, for god sake. You're better than that. 

This brings me to another point, RE The Following. Can anyone tell me why every female character, even the FBI agent whose name I don't remember because that's how much of an impression her character has made on me, is either a victim or a psycho? Also, I don't honestly care about Joe Carroll. I want to know what's up with Harper, and I want to know what's up with Bobby Drake. I want detailed back stories and I want them now. Bobby Drake is having some issues right now, everyone knows that. Why is it that when he lashes out in an unconventional interrogation Harper's all, what's up with you man? Are you kidding me, Harper? That dude was forced into a Fight Club because he knew where your lady love was and they practically killed him when he wouldn't say. He is going through some shit right now, Harper. He needs time to process and talk to a therapist.

To be fair, I honestly have no idea how much time has passed on this show so maybe he did have sufficient time off to deal with his problems and he just didn't? I don't know. What I do know is that the writers are making me angry and I'm only continuing to watch cause of that reveal at the end of the last episode that made me go, oh-HO SNAP RYAN HARPER you're hardcore! Also, I would have sex with Bobby Drake.

Alright that's it.