I once sent a guy an indecent grainy cell phone picture of my rear end. So, that's out there somewhere.
I Facebooked stalked this one dude for like, a year and a half. When I saw that he had broken up with his girlfriend, I sent him a message saying I was sorry to hear about it, or some stupid shit like that. This same guy I once included in a group message about a weird-ass dream I had. The dream part was true, he had been in it, as well as a bunch of other people who were also included in the message.There was no earthly reason that he needed to know that. I did it because I knew someone else would reply to it, and that it would keep popping up in his inbox, so he would be reminded of me. Like a psychopath.
A few weeks ago Jeremy had a couple friends over for drinks. They ended up crashing and in the morning when I was shuffling about in the kitchen and they were getting ready to leave, we exchanged goodbyes. I never offered them coffee or anything and I still feel shitty about it. I should have been more hospitable. I spent a good deal of time afterward wondering if they thought I was an asshole.
For some reason, in a conversation once about swearing I told someone I didn't swear. I was joking, they took it seriously, and I never corrected them. I have no idea why. How hard would it have been to be like, 'oh that was a just a bad joke, I swear all the time.' Which is true, I do swear a lot. It's not even a funny joke. Who jokes about not swearing to be funny? Apparently, me. I also may have said that it was against my religion, but I honestly don't remember. It seems like something I would say.
I once printed out a fanfic about NSYNC that some girl posted on an angelfire webpage, the entire fucking thing, and crossed out every instance of this one characters name and wrote mine in over it because the character got together with JC. The entire, fucking, thing I did this to. There were over twenty chapters. Thirteen year old me was apparently effin' wacky.
Also when I was thirteen (and fourteen, it continued through) I thought it would be super cool to be in a girl group. So I started writing some really dreadful songs, just lyrics of course because I have no idea how to write music. Then I showed some of them to my best friend at the time and I was like, 'we should be in a girl group' to which she replied 'yeah sure.' Then we added two other friends for whatever reason and we would hang out at each other's houses and sing along to songs and decide who would sing what parts and all that crap. We got hooked on the Moulin Rouge theme song and each took a vocalists part, and I decided that I was good enough to sing Christina's part, and to my friends everlasting credit, they never corrected me. The next summer we kicked out one of the members but still wanted to hang out with her, so we wrote her a letter explaining everything. Apparently she took it hard cause her mom actually yelled at me for it.
All through my teen years, and yes sometimes now, one of the greatest joys in my life was turning my music up really loud, turning off the lights, and dancing like a weirdo in the dark of my bedroom. Sometimes in the summer I would get pissed off because it was daylight so long and I just wanted to effin' dance but I was scared that if the lights were on that somehow everyone would see and they would judge me. I tried closing the curtains but it would still be too bright and I would have to wait. I'd stay up at all hours of the night playing my crappy music, pretending I looked cool. I know now like I knew then that I looked like a damn fool.
I wished I still danced like a weirdo. I mean I do, obviously, still dance like a weirdo, but I wish I did it more. Or at all really.
Sometimes I use words incorrectly but the person I'm speaking to doesn't know it, so I'll make up a definition to suit my purposes and just hope that they never interact with someone else who uses that word properly. Other times I will use a word improperly and someone will call me out on it, and I'll make up some utter lie about having heard someone else use it in that context so that the imaginary person seems like the idiot. I'll even say things like, 'see that's what I thought it meant, but I heard Sheila at work use in this context so I thought I had been using it wrong.' There is no Sheila at work, she did not use the word in any context, there was no context, I am just a goddamn idiot and I really do not want you to know that.
I was sick on my wedding day, no idea with what, but I had been coughing like crazy all day before and a little in the morning. At dinner I bit into a pepper and it agitated the hell out of my throat apparently because I immediately started coughing so hard that I actually threw up a little into my napkin. At the table. Everyone kept asking if I needed to leave but I kept shaking my head and coughing into my napkin. Then I vomited a little and finally decided that I should excuse myself. I'm not sure how many people know about that, but I know my one brother does. A few seats away, just after it happened, I heard him say, 'yeah that's vomit.' That fucking napkin stayed on the table until we left, balled up all disgusting and shameful. (Side note, while writing that I made myself laugh so hard. So I hope you also found it amusing.)
Alright, that's all I've got for now. There is plenty more though, I'm a disastrous human being.
