He's a Doctor, I Should Trust Him, Right?

OR Freaking Out Because of Non-Existent Realities and Also Because I'm a Paranoid Hypochondriac With a Way Overactive Imagination.

So we saw 50/50 last night. Really good movie. I cried a few times. It also made me really nervous about the whole breast-cancer-not-breast-cancer-thing. (I'm not still awake at 3 in the morning because of it though, that's just my sleep schedule for the past month and half.) I have to go back in about 4 weeks for another ultrasound to see if the "totally benign" lymph node is still there. The doctor said if it was then he would want to remove it, and I agree with that decision. Because nobody wants inflamed things just hanging out in their boob. Remove that.

But I started wondering if maybe it isn't actually benign. He didn't do a biopsy because he assumed it wasn't a big deal. I had no other indicators of breast cancer, nothing was misshapen, there was no discoloration, no discharge, no family history- I'm going to stop there for a minute.

When I first told mom that I had this appointment scheduled, which also included what we were looking for, she neglected to mention to me that our family does have a very brief (read vague) history with breast cancer/boob related things. Apparently a great aunt on her side had a mastectomy, one of her sisters had an issue with a fatty cyst, and she had one other example for me that I honestly was tuning out on because she told me this after my appointment. Which is also after I told the nurse, the doctor, and even the paperwork that I did not have any family history with these things. So I kinda panicked and called the office, but they were like, it's cool we'll see what's going on when you see the doctor in January.

Back to the paragraph before this. If it's still there in January I don't know if he'll want to do a biopsy first or just remove it. He said he would want to take it out, but he didn't say anything about checking out what it might be first. I've had a biopsy before, it was incredibly painful and I vomited pretty much the entire next day from the searing pain. (It was in the mysterious lady area, and that's a story for a different time. Or never at all.) So I have no idea what a biopsy is like with external maladies. At this stage I'm only concerned and curious.

Then of course I just fucking snowballed from there to it actually being cancer and needing to go through chemotherapy and what it would do to my body and if I would ever be able to have children and I nearly lost it sitting in the movie theatre. It was an emotional scene, but I honestly don't remember it because for some reason I conjured up this eternally fucked up story in my head: what if I found out I was pregnant, and that I also had breast cancer?

Yeah.

I did that to myself. While watching a heart warming comedy with my husband. I imagined a horrifying future for the two of us where I die young and childless.

You should never tell a hypochondriac there is even a 1% chance that the lump in her breast is cancerous. Lie to me, Doc. Seriously, just lie.

Also, when my lady-parts doctor found the lump he said, "It's probably nothing to worry about. How old are you?" I said 23. He said, "Oh definitely nothing to worry about. You're young."

So, I can't have breast cancer because I'm young, according to my doctor. I assume, had I asked, he would have told me the other girls don't like me cause they're jealous of how pretty I am.