Mo Money, Mo Problems

Just got off the phone with a debt collector, you know me and my debt problems. Well this is actually the second time I've gotten off the phone with a debt collector in as many weeks. (That ended in an actual money-will-be-paid resolution and not an I'm-hanging-up-the-phone-now-before-I-threaten-your-life-and-your-children resolution. Which isn't really a resolution, now that I think about it.) So I now have payment plans set up for the next nine months, in an attempt to get closer to being in good standing with Sallie Mae and my credit report. An attempt. Meaning what I've just set up, and agreed to pay, does not mean I'm out of collections. It just means when nine months is up, I'll be a little bit closer to it. Yay.

Note to self: the next time you're working a M-F job with weekends off, always, that ensures a minimum of 32 hours a week... don't fucking quit because you hate smelling like bread and onions when you leave work. Oh no, you have to shower before you can do anything after work. Boo fuckin' hoo, you whiny bitch. If you are going to quit, for the love of Christ, make sure you're moving, if not up, at least laterally. Yeah sure, being an adult sucks. Being an irresponsible adult sucks even more. Working in food service at 21 after graduating from a technical school with a pretty much useless two-year degree doesn't mean you're wasting your life, or that you've crushed your own dreams. Being 24, not being able to even think about buying a house, a new car, getting a loan for anything, getting rid of the mold under your living room carpet, taking a vacation, getting a new sofa because the bottom is literally falling out from under your current, or having a baby; this is wasting your life. This is you crushing your own dreams. Because you thought a job with fewer hours, by a lot, that paid less, by a lot, was better somehow than making sandwiches for seven hours a day, Monday through Friday, and never having to work weekends or holidays. You can be such a stupid cow.

So yeah, I'm a little bitter right now. To appease my anger, I'm going to stroll around Target with mom today and put a lot of things in the buggy that I say I'm going to buy even though I don't really have the money right now, but then before I check out, I'll start to feel guilty. Catholic guilty, even. And I'll put most of it back. But not that one item, whatever that item may be today, even if it's just a $1 bottle of nail polish (what up, New York Color?). Because I need to purchase that one thing. It lets me feel like I'm still in control of my finances. Spending that $1 and whatever the tax comes out to will help me feel like my life isn't spiraling into chaos, like it clearly is.

I finally get shopaholics. It's a control issue, even if it's deluding yourself into thinking you have control over not having control. And I am a control freak. So I will buy nail polish and pretend that the money I'm spending is my money. Though we all know it's really not.

Things I Got Distracted By While Waiting For My Nails to Dry

I need a new purse! Yes, this issue is so serious it requires an exclamation point. My current bag has been falling apart, and I patch it up, but then it falls apart from the patching. It's faux leather, which I think is the problem. It makes me sad. I took that thing to another continent. It's been so sturdy. No matter what I put in there, the seams haven't ripped from the strain, the straps haven't snapped from the weight, it just keeps getting these tiny tears in odd places and now it's so bad that the stitching at the straps and zippers is finally starting to come undone. And I know I need to replace it, but I'm really attached to that thing. I get attached to all my bags though, which is generally why I end up using them until they literally fall apart. This one bag I had I used even after my brother's cat chewed the hell out the strap and the material started peeling off, and the "gold" on the chain started to wear away. I only stopped using it entirely because it started smelling like garlic, thanks bitch employee at McDonald's for putting sauce in my bag. (Or maybe a garlic pill exploded? I don't remember now. That wouldn't explain the sauce container. That may have been me being absent minded though. Does McDonald's even have a garlic sauce? Not the point.) So I need a new bag.

Today's Google image is adorable. It's a dude jumping hurdles and shit you move him with your arrow keys and he jumps when you hit the space bar. Super cute. I just played and got the crappiest time ever. I will not repeat it.

Is anyone else excited about this Pitch Perfect movie? I heart Anna Kendrick, but the story line seems like Glee: The College Years. So I'll probably cheap seat that one, but I do find myself searching for the trailer on  Youtube at random intervals. Which is I guess a good indicator of potential entertainment value? Plus, the one dude who's also on Workaholics is in it, and he's humorous. The poster looks badass/adorable too.

How cute is this?

I'm reading this book called Johannes Cabal the Detective. It's the second book in a series about Johannes Cabal, the first being Johannes Cabal the Necromancer, by Jonathan L. Howard. So far, they have been terrific. I haven't finished the second one, in fact I just started it yesterday after finishing the first one, but there's also a third one and I need it in my life. He's a really good writer. It's like listening to a friend tell a story, not about something that happened to them, but about a book they've read or a movie they really like. There's all these asides, and sarcastic comments, and you can tell they're genuinely excited and invested in the material, and you can't help but be interested too. And it's worth your time, cause the story itself is terrific. So... check it out.

Broken Locks and Ladders (Instead of Shoots and Ladders... Get It?)

Today at work something terrific happened. A customer moved one of the employee ladders, unchained it, and climbed on up to look for a pair of shoes out of her reach. We weren't busy, there were maybe three customers in the store, including herself, and roughly four associates, none of us overly busy, and none of us intentionally not acknowledging her. I heard the ladder moving and assumed it was an associate but then I looked over and the woman clearly did not resemble any of the employees currently on the floor. So I went over.

Me: Excuse me, while you're up there can you get a size down for me?
Her: Oh, I don't work here.
Me: In that case, can  you please get off the employee ladder?


It's one thing if stores frequently leave ladders about the place for customers to just mosey on up, but as far as I know, no store actually does that. The damn thing had the CAUTION EMPLOYEE ONLY sign chained across the front. She had to unchain it to use it. AND take the brake off. I feel like she's done this before. And I also feel that the unborn fetus she was carrying in her enormous preggo belly is going to be just as ditzy as her. God help us.

After work I went to lunch with mom and Kage, and afterwards I was going to stop at home to let the dog out and then go over to moms to hang out while her millions of poodles were groomed. But then I got home and the doorknob that's been giving us trouble for like, the past since-we've-started-using-it, said 'fuck it' and totally broke. I could unlock the door, turn the handle, but the door wouldn't open. The part that goes in and out, wasn't going out. It was just staying in. So I called mom and she came back and then I discovered that I had locked all of the windows that I can reach from the outside, because I'm super paranoid about people breaking into my apartment (we live on the first floor). Window I cannot reach? Bathroom.

You know where this is going.

I had mom pull her Jeep up the little hill on the side of our house so the hood was directly underneath the window and I climbed up and then went on through the bathroom window. Naturally before I did, I sang about it. You know the words.

Don't pretend you would have done any differently.

I'm just really disappointed that we didn't take pictures or video. I'm more than happy to do it again though, cause I like doing stuff like that. I like knowing what I'm capable of if I ever need to be capable of it. For example, my quick thinking told me that I had no ladder and no one was tall enough to boost me up so let's use the hood of the Jeep.

My quick thinking did not remind me that I still need to buy a ladder. Those things come in handy when you least expect them to.

Previously on: My Life

I hate when awful things happen to people I usually talk to about random things, because then I don't know how to talk to them again. Bad things have been going on and I feel obligated to only speak to them about those things, which is terrible because then it's a constant reminder of those bad things. But I feel like it would be pretty shitty of me to just be like, 'Hey you should check out Prometheus, here's why' or 'This chick at work doesn't know how to walk in flip-flops, they are like literally slapping the ground. They should call them slap-shoes.' Instead I just don't talk to them for awhile. Which is also pretty shitty. In fact it's probably worse cause we're friends, and friends don't just cut you out of their lives until a respectable time has passed for you to deal with things. I'm a terrible person.

I don't know if I mentioned that we finally got a washer and dryer, but we did. It's been awesome, except they're older models so I'm worried something's going to break soon. So far so good though. They're small so I keep having to do like four loads, or turn the dryer back on for another cycle. That parts irritating, but I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

Jeremy and I watched all of Community over the last two weeks, and I liked it so much (apparently) that on my days off I've been re-watching it. Seriously. I focus on Jeff-Annie centric episodes sometimes, cause damn it I need them to happen! Relationships like theirs, I always need them to develop. I don't care for the will they-won't they crap, that is not interesting to me at all. Castle and Becket? Them finally getting together this season did not please me. I wanted a little joke/reveal thrown in somewhere about how they've been dating for awhile but they just don't talk about it or something. They can still banter and be adorable and have the same dynamic if they're dating. I don't understand why they couldn't or how things would really change. I just don't see the problem. The reason I want Jeff and Annie to work out though is cause Jeff kind of reminds me of Jeremy: sarcastic, kinda pretentious, bit of an ass, but he has these really good, commendable qualities that he doesn't let a lot of people see and Annie's this sweet, intelligent woman who can bring out those qualities and make him feel like he's not a pussy for being a good guy. Plus, Alison Brie and Joel McHale have terrific chemistry, and their height difference is adorable.

Back to the washer and dryer, I am not excited for our water and electric bill to blow up. Being an adult sucks that way.

Hulu has been advertising Green Acres, the complete series. So... my next few weeks are going to be kinda busy you guys. I know you're all disappointed.

Also, Prometheus was actually pretty good. But then  I also thought Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was awesome, so I don't know that my judgement can be trusted. And I still listen to The Backstreet Boys when I want to clean. (Their music always made me want to clean. It's a weird subliminal thing, I'm sure of it. That and move furniture. Jive Records man.)

Paper Presents

Yesterday was our first anniversary, and it was lovely and meaningful and I share a lot of things on this blog (like, a lot of things. Inappropriate things.) but I'm keeping that one to myself. I got him a role-playing book, cause he's a geek, he got me a lovely picture based on one of my favorite movies. Because the first anniversary is paper.

I had this heartfelt concept for this post but then I thought: "No. Let's not." So instead, I'd like to share with you our wedding vows. They were written the morning of the wedding, and I tweaked them until like an hour before the ceremony. Our friend who officiated read them aloud for the both of us. I paraphrased William Shakespeare and F. Scott Fitzgerald (cause I'm super pretentious.). I keep them in a folder on my laptop called Important Shit. And I think they're lovely.

I love you, and that is the beginning of everything.

I come here today to join my life with my best friend.

I pledge to be true to you, to respect you, and to grow with you through the years.

I will hold you above all others.

Wherever you will go, I will go.

Whatever you will face, I will face.

Through laughter or tears, through riches or poverty, I vow here that this love will be my only love.

My heart is ever at your service, and I will make my home in yours from this day forward.

So there ya go. A glimpse into our wedding, because we didn't film the ceremony and I keep forgetting to get pictures printed to keep with me at all times so I can whip out a photo album.

PS we forgot to eat the piece of wedding cake we've had in our freezer last night so we're eating it tonight. Extended anniversary!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Awkward Moments From My Young Life

When I was a freshmen in college I had a class with a guy who I thought was crazy adorable. He had curly brown hair that wasn't frizzy (which like, never happens), big blue eyes and glasses (I love glasses, so I was immediately in. And he actually needed them.) and he was a physics major. He also shared a name with a famous physicist. Fuck it, even if he reads this he knows how awkward the whole thing was. Isaac Newton. His name was legitametly Isaac Newton. So, I have this huge crush on him. And being my socially inept self I had no idea how to talk to him. No frickin' clue. I couldn't even work up the nerve to sit next to him and say hi. So instead, I wrote him a note. Because having a crush on someone in college is the equivalent to having a crush on someone when you're in the third grade, without the "check yes or no" boxes. If you're me. Even better, I was going to leave it on top of his books when I left class, lost my nerve, started to leave, got my nerve back, and turned back to give it to him and almost smacked into him. Then handed him the stupid thing. It said, "what is your full name?"

I wish I had made that up.

SORRY TO FAMILY READING WHAT FOLLOWS, BUT IT IS CALLED 'AWKWARD MOMENTS'
I got involved with a guy who was like, 16 years older than me when I was 19 (I think). His name I won't mention because it makes me want to punch babies knowing this period of my life really happened. An older guy was paying attention to me and I was like, "fuck yeah let's hang out cause apparently I have daddy issues!" Not really though, but it was nice to have someone that other people thought was cool pay attention to me. Turns out he was a super douche, and I learned a valuable lesson about not getting involved with fucking idiots. The awkward part is the night he called me and basically wanted me to "take care of" myself while we were on the phone. I was not interested because while I thought it would be so cool to date an older man, I most certainly did not want to engage in sexual activity of any kind with him. (We kissed this one time and I freaked out when he tried to put his tongue in my mouth cause it felt slimy and gross. (It was like, the second time I had been kissed in my life at that point.) He thought I was being a prude. What the fuck ever, douche.) So, he started talking about all this sexual stuff (I think) and what he's doing to me (I think) and I have no idea what he was saying cause he was super quiet and it was creepy so I actually pretending to be... ya know... taking care of things. It got to the point where I just didn't want to be on the phone anymore and I was desperately trying to find a way to get out of this conversation, so I started to laugh. Intentionally. I thought to myself, what is the best way to change the subject? Oh I know, chuckle quietly until he gets distracted. And then, when he asks why I'm laughing, say it's because I finished and I was feeling groovy.

I don't think this is coming across with the right emphasis. I'll try again: Oh I know, chuckle quietly until he gets distracted. And then, when he asks why I'm laughing, say it's because "I...finished, and I'm feeling pretty...groovy."

I also wish I had made that up.

When I was 15 I was in mutual like with a friend of a friend. We joked and flirted in our awkward 15 year old way. He once jokingly tried to put his arm around me and I laughed because I thought he was doing it jokingly and he interpreted it as me not being interested. He was just as awkward as I was, so obviously nothing was ever going to happen. We never even kissed. Then one night we were talking seriously about liking each other and I thought it would be cool and grown up of me (15 year old jackass) to say that I wasn't interested in a relationship but it would be cool if we still hung out and maybe, ya know, did things. (Nothing happened. He lost interest because who the fuck says that shit? Stupid 15 year old idiot Storm, that's who.)

And I very much wish that I had made that up.

People like me exist.

You're welcome, world.

Jeremy VS The Pickle

Jeremy went out to McDonald's in North Lima, approximately 10-15 minutes from us because the one only 5 minutes away consistently fucks up our orders (although I do admire that consistency). He hates pickles. Fucking hates them. If he could remove all pickles from the planet, he absolutely would, even if it meant that I would suffer because I love them. And every once in awhile the North Lima location will put pickles on his burgers but because it's so uncommon from them he just takes them off and suffers quietly through his pickle juice saturated burger. But not tonight.

Tonight he went back out to North Lima to ask for a burger made the way his damn receipt said it was made, NO PICKLE. He was so fired up his exact words were: "I'm going back out there."

He gets there, speaks to a manager who says they'll remake it and give him fresh fries, and he waits for his new NO PICKLE Big Mac. They give him the new bag, and to be sure, he takes the burger out to check it.

Opens the lid.

Checks under the bun.

Fucking pickles.

So he just closes it back up and sets the container on the counter without saying anything. The manager turns around, sees the box, and says the following: "Fucking seriously?" (I'm paraphrasing. But I'm not far off.)

The manager had to make it himself to be sure there were no pickles on it.

I don't understand the inability of human beings to follow simple instructions.