I Spent Two Hours Trying to Remember How to Say 'day' in Spanish.

(Then I looked at the calendar, where it is plainly written.)
I know yesterday was the last day of October, and therefore the last day of Bold Moves October, but I made my super-big-awesome-bold move today. One that, like that other one I mentioned vaguely, I also cannot discuss in great detail yet. It's a step, in a long line of steps. But things are progressing. I'm excited and terrified. The best things to be if you're going to be two strong things at the same time.

Today however marks the beginning of National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo, as I've seen it bandied about on the internet.) I believe last year I found a variation of this, and it was blog writing, where you write a blog every day. That is tiresome. I also don't have a novel planned. But I have that collection of short stories and I'm starting with that. Often times I find myself thinking of a concept for a novel and I start writing this grand piece, never an outline of course because god forbid I be a little bit organized. Then I hit a wall and I wait years before I go back to it. I have this one concept that I've been working on for over a decade now. I'm twenty four. Let that sink in for a moment. Imagine how awesome those first drafts must be. Just imagine. I don't have to. I've seen them. They pain me. But I can't throw them out because their are parts of each draft that I'm so hopeful about. I keep them aside in a cabinet, in the hopes that a story is in some magical way like wine and that the longer I let it ferment the better, and stronger it will become. Unless it becomes some retard-strong thing like a Frankenstein monster and tries to kill me. God I can only hope to write something so moving that it annihilates my private life forever.

Since the novel thing isn't a main goal for me right now, I'm just going to keep on trucking with the collection and see what happens. Maybe one of them turns into a full-length novel. Maybe I just finish the set and have a collection of short stories to shop around and get rejected a million times before someone is finally like, 'I'll take a chance on this.'

Bit of advice I found myself jotting down the other day: Write the story first. Then worry about whether people will read it. They will. There's always an audience. It may not be as big as I want but that isn't why I write. It's important to remember that.

Write the story first.

So that's what I'm trying to do.

Options for the first line of a new story, with the working title 'Dead Poet'.

• You will always be hungry.
• The blood welled up to a tiny little bead on her fingertip where she had pricked it.
• Outside the window soft flurries of snow are settling on castle ruins that nobody could bear to have torn down, or maybe they just couldn't be bothered.
• Everything I know about being a ghost, I learned from Beetlejuice and Pac-Man.

Bold Moves continued (short post)

I had this done recently. I wanted a change. So I made a change.

Also, the appointment went extremely well. On the other hand, I have to go to another appointment. Sometimes I worry they're just stringing me along but then I remember how fantastic life will be if everything continues to go well with this. So I shut the hell up and wait patiently.

Seeing Movies Alone

I just rinsed face wash out of my eye. And that will likely be the final highlight of my day. Got up, went to work, saw a movie, saw some puppies, came home, washed my face, got face wash in my eye, rinsed it out.

Today my bold move was to see a movie by myself. Jeremy is away on a karate retreat sort of thing, and I'm by myself until tomorrow evening some time. Initially I decided to see a movie while he was gone, and go alone. Then I thought why not ask someone? I rarely hang out with people, I'm not really a friends kind of person I'm discovering, so seeing a movie with someone would be a good opportunity to remedy that fault in my character design. Then I read a post from the blog where I discovered BMO, and it challenged me to see a movie by myself this weekend. So I said to myself, self, you are excellent company. Let us enjoy a film together in a dark cinema where we can quietly make rude jokes about the people around us while also keeping up a humorous commentary on the film itself. And so I did.

I even got all cute and stuff, so as not to look like a total loser going to see a movie by herself. I dressed snappy and adorable, I put some eyeliner on. I even bought myself concessions, cause it was a proper date. My coat smells like popcorn and stale butter now though, which I don't recall ever happening before when I went to the movies with other people. So that's new and intriguing.

I saw Pitch Perfect, which I recommend if you like singing, cute females, cute story lines about friends and love interests, and Anna Kendrick (who is adorable).

I stopped by mom's afterward to see the new litter of puppies, of which I took no pictures. Their eyes aren't even open yet guys. Also, their ears. The little bitches can't even hear themselves whining like they're being abused when you pick them up. I get it, you don't like being lifted. Quiet down. They are kinda cute though, in a worm-puppy like way. I still like my full-sized dog better, but then I'm biased. We live together and she snuggles with me when I watch old movies that Jeremy won't watch cause they're in black and white. She's not phased by that. I'm not sure why...

When I went to take my eyeliner off, which is important to do because otherwise you fall asleep with it and then look disgusting and sloppy in the morning, I had to wash my face afterwards because the makeup remover is oily. That's how I ended up rinsing face wash out of my eye. Because I'm an idiot.

Let me tell you some more about going to the movies alone, since that was the important learning experience of my day. (Also, even if it's all natural, face wash in the eye still really burns. That was an important learning experience. Very important.) It isn't that bad. I kind of enjoyed it actually. Don't get me wrong, seeing a comedy with other people is part of what makes some of the jokes so funny. And if you're with other people you don't feel weird laughing at said jokes. That's one thing I kept coming back to while I sat there in the dark, the only person with no one near them. (Seriously, there weren't even people like, a few seats down from me.) Whenever I wanted to laugh at something, I found myself making a conscious effort to be very quiet about it. Laughing out loud with other people is expected, but laughing when you're by yourself almost comes off as a little crazy. I'm not sure why. If I saw someone in a theater laughing at a joke, I don't know that I would think to myself, 'that person's enjoying the movie' or 'that person is clearly unhinged, laughing at a movie they came to alone.' So naturally every time I laughed, I assumed everyone else who had seen me sitting by myself thought I was sad, crazy, and lonely. I would like to see more movies by myself to see if this constantly worrying what other people think about me while we all watch a movie in the same room even though none of us know each other can be overcome.

In that regard, I wonder if this constantly worrying what other people think of me in my day to day life can be overcome. It's exhausting always worrying about things you have no control over. It's also exhausting knowing you have no control over it, but trying to control it anyway because you're a control freak. Finally it's even more exhausting knowing you're a control freak and yet somehow you can't control that about yourself.

The mind is a terrible thing sometimes.

I brought my own candy into the theater. Important to note. Because I like pistachios and sugar-free candy. Know what the movie theater doesn't sell? Pistachios and GD sugar-free candy! I did buy a Diet Coke though, and I firmly put my foot down when they asked if I wanted to get a bajillion ounces more for only fifty cents. No one needs that much beverage during a two hour movie that they can't even pause so they can get up and pee! Because there's no way a person can drink that much liquid and not have to pee within two hours. Also, a comedy about a cappela singing groups in college is seriously two hours long. That part kinda blew my mind.

Still a good movie.

And a good outing.

More Bitching and Moaning

First day of Bold Moves October, I did not a damn thing. Second day, I shared part of a story with the handful of people who keep up with this blog. Third day. Not a damn thing. Fourth day. Still not a damn thing. And today, the fifth day of this magical Bold Moves month, I still haven't done a single goddamn bold thing. But I have a plan. It's a very delicate plan, and it requires a balance. If I discuss it further, the scales will tip and I'll be screwed. Like, super boned.

Until I can speak more openly on that, I will speak openly on everything else. Which is something I sincerely make efforts to do in my day to day life, but people make it really damn difficult. Everyone is always sensitive. People say they prefer honesty, but they're fucking liars and they just want you to lie to them in return. It's like they see it as them doing you a favor, by lying and not telling you how they really feel about things, so naturally they expect you to lie to them as well. They probably even expect you to lie to other people as well. Pay it forward, but in a really cynical and insincere way. So since I haven't made any additional bold moves, I'm instating a shiny new honesty system. That's my move.

Today, I boldly decide that from now on, I will try to be as honest as possible with people, without intentionally hurting their feelings. I will try very hard not to insult them in my efforts, but if it happens I will feel sorry, and I will try to express that. I will be sincere, and I will try to be helpful in my critique. Sometimes, most times, my honesty will likely all be very negative. However I will make a genuine effort to find a positive, in an attempt to counter-balance this. With that in mind, I will also make it a personal goal of mine to find ways to be honest and constructive without being unkind. Until I can do that, I will likely just come across as mean. It happens. I accept that.

While being honest, I would like to say that I have $10 in my saving account, and that is because I recently (today) moved $20 to my checking account to cover a payment coming out next week. So this morning, I had $30 in my savings account.

That is my life.

At work the other day, one employee was telling me that another employee was possibly leaving for a job with an annual income of $23,000.00. I said wow, and she said to me, "you think that's a lot?"

I cannot properly convey how she sounded when she said it across the internet and with only written word. This makes me incredibly sad and aggravated because now when I continue my bitching you won't quite understand where all my rage is coming from. Suffice it to say, she sounded very condescending. Thus my bitching continues:

Yes. Yes I do think that's a lot of fucking money. Do you know how many hours I work, and how much money I make? Because I damn well do, and I would be incredibly grateful to be making that much money. Oh, you started here making that much money? Good for fucking you. I did not. I started barely above minimum wage and it took me three years to get to the pay rate I have now. No, I don't have a bachelor's degree in whatever business bullshit you have. I only have an associates and it constantly seems to be one of the worst decisions I ever made. But I worked up to my measly rate, and maybe it did take me three years (three fucking years!) but I am actually proud that I was able to accomplish so little with so little training and formal education. No, I don't own my own house with a 30-year mortgage because I could never afford the down payment on anything because I'm busy blowing all my cash on bills and student loans. You aren't familiar with student loan payments because you were fortunate enough to have parents who were well off and who paid for your education. That must be nice. I didn't have that. Do you know what I made last year? I was barely into four digits. To file at the end of that stupid fucking year, and discover that all the mental and physical exhaustion of such a bullshit fucking job was for barely anything was humiliating, infuriating, and depressing. Yes, I do think making $23,000.00 a year is a lot of money. Yes, I realize that it actually is not. Yes, I think you are an awful person to speak to another human being in such a condescending and belittling tone. And where we work too, no less. Like it isn't enough for me to know that my job is crap and my title is meaningless and all the work I do is equally meaningless and to know that no one else there really gives a crap and that my work ethic is slowly being destroyed by constantly being surrounded by people who don't give a fuck but being made to feel like I should for some reason. On top of that, I have you making me feel like a fucking peasant. Fuck you. You're a terrible human being. I deserve better than to have to hear comments like that from people like you.

It's probably good not to be too honest sometimes, cause if I had actually said any of that I probably wouldn't have that shitty job. It really sucks to have to rely on something that provides so little and so much at the same time. While also sucking my will to live.