My Cervix Is Perfect!

Just to be clear, this title is actually something my doctor said to me at my last appointment. This post is about my boobs though, and not my cervix, which I won't be discussing. Also, two different doctors involved here. Well three really, if you count that random doctor who stood oddly (and I mean oddly) by at my last check up. And I do. Because he saw my boobs. And offered no medical expertise.

Good news! I don't have breast cancer.

I know I covered that before but it's still really exciting news. I also do not have to surgery. At this point in time. Boob doctor, not to be confused with a plastic surgeon, decided since the inflamed lymph node hasn't changed at all one way or the other that it would be overkill to remove it at this point. Which is infuriating because I spent all that time freaking out about it because he specifically told me that if nothing changed he wanted to take it out.

Now it just gets to hang out in there being all occasionally sensitive. I'm still on an anti-inflammatory regime though for the next 4-5 months, at which point I will go back in to see him. And I'm sure there will be a new and exciting "doctor" standing by the table in scrubs, being absolutely unhelpful, while my bare breast gets that disgusting gel smeared on it and then gets prodded and poked at by that ultrasound gun thing and I don't really know if this so called 'specialist' actually knows how to use that machine.

This reminds me: I don't like when an additional doctor is brought in to check out my ailments that can't be discussed and properly viewed while I'm fully clothed. It's not like a super common occurrence for me, but I can think of at least three times when a medical professional (supposedly) has seen parts of me that literally only five other people have. (I'm including my parents in this count because I was a baby once, and as such I had people bathe me. I was also above dressing myself. And I still kind of am.)

Well, to be fair, I don't know what went on when I was born. There could have been any number of people in that room.

I know that I can probably be like, 'whoa hey who is this guy and why does he get to see my lady garden? I am 17, and this is not acceptable.' Or, 'nuh-uh Doc, I know where this is going and he does not get to see my boobs unless he puts cash up front.' But I always feel meek and stupid when I'm around a doctor. They use those idiotic medical terms, instead of speaking plainly, and I don't want to ask what a word means because the tone they use makes me feel like I should know already. Of course I should know already. What kind of idiot do I have to be to not know that ductal carcinoma in-situ is a type of breast cancer in the ductal system?

I'm going to be totally honest, the extent of my knowledge regarding cancer in general (despite all the relatives who have died from various forms of it) is that when I first heard 'carcinoma', my sincere initial response was to somehow connect it with carbon monoxide poisoning. ...Just say the word. It kinda sounds similar. The 'car' part mostly. Only.

Anyway: I'm trying to say that I don't like feeling pressured to be okay with having some new guy come in and take a look at my unmentionables. I dislike it even more, when he has nothing to add.

Literally nothing.

And just stands there.

Watching.

Because it's really fucking creepy.

My List of Things To Do Today

(seriously, this is how busy my schedule is)

• Wash dishes
• Dust
• Vaccum
• Shower
• Buy a pair of winter boots
• Plan to write, but don't write
• Finish 'A Clash of Kings'

That is my legit schedule for today. If you will note, the time is now 11:27 am, EST. Since Jeremy works the late shift, I have plenty of time to accomplish these tasks because, naturally, I have no life and he's taking the only vehicle to work. ... I suppose I could drive him to work, but that really hinders my plan to try to save on fuel this year but not senselessly driving places when we don't have to. On the other hand, if my mother doesn't text me back then I'm stuck at home all day. These are the trials of being an adult.

I Do Not Know What 'Auld Lang Syne' means.

Okay so I was going to post about the Vacation movies, and I even have a draft saved of that blog, but then I just got really lazy this past week. I was off from 5 am Wednesday morning until, well I'm still off actually, and I was online for a pretty good amount of that time, and I just did not do anything with the blog. And then Friday we went to down to Columbus to my brother's for New Years Eve. Naturally while there I also did not do any blogging, as evidenced by this being the most recent post since before Christmas. I was going to talk about other stuff, like how my job now completely blows it again, but apparently I have to talk about my holiday. Cause my brother's wife wants to read about my Christmas, even though she celebrated it with me. Maybe she got drunk and blacked out afterward and can't remember it. Anyway, here's a rundown:

• December 23rd: Jeremy and I open presents, I get super amazing gifts, he gets what I thought were super amazing gifts but evidently are just 'pretty cool' gifts. What a dick. Also, go to calling hours for a relative of a friend of the family.
• December 24th: Christmas with my side of the family, including my apparently super drunk sister-in-law. More awesome gifts exchanged, funny zingers tossed out ("Oh nice, actually"), brunch buffet with tiny pancakes enjoyed, and I make punch following a supposedly German recipe that has a lot of wine, a lot of rum, and very little actual flavor. Cody and dad drink almost literally all of it. Troopers.
• December 25th: Christmas with Jeremy's side of the family, we get a blender, a fire-safe, and I get a cake pop maker. Guess who's bringing dessert next year? This girl! Then we go to Christmas at other friends house who also lives in Salem (where we were for his side of the family). I get a transforming stuffed Perry the Platypus. Jeremy get s a Boba Fett helmet to go with the Boba Fett hoodie he received the day before. The helmet, built for a child, astonishingly fits Jeremy's obnoxiously large head.

To culminate the holiday season, as I mentioned earlier, we went to Columbus and got drunk with my brother and his wife. Mum came with us but she doesn't drink so she just nursed her O'Douls like a pro. I like to think she'll remember it, but likely I'll have to post something about that. So here:

• Saw the movie New Years Eve, on New Years Eve (naturally).
• Ate at Wholly Joe's
• Dressed up all pretty
• Played board games that resulted in hilarity
• Got increasingly more drunk as the night wore on
• At midnight, blasted a glass of champagne at my sisters urging even though she bailed like a pussy cause she underestimated the fizziness of it.
• Drove home the next day, today, with zero problems with the Jeep (unlike the last time when we literally broke down on the highway but managed to crawl to a gas station to get towed to a Good Year and had to spend the night again cause no place was open to fix the belt and water pump.)

So, there ya go. My holiday.