Updated Glasses Prescription!

Had my pupils dilated for the first time ever this morning. It was ... different. That seems like an appropriate word for it. Apparently- wait, first: I had an eye exam this morning because of the breaking-my-glasses thing that occurred like two weeks ago. I finally made an appointment. Okay, back: apparently the doctor saw a super teeny tiny freckle at the back of my eye. Then he asked if I've ever had my pupils dilated before. I was like, certainly not! Wait, why is something wrong?

It's no big deal, the freckle I mean (literally the smallest one he's ever seen (that's what she said)), but my eyes are still sore and it's been like, since 9:45-ish this morning. So... those many hours. I wore shades inside the drugstore and library, and then my house. My actual house. Where the dog sees me and I watch TV and sometimes do the dishes. Of all the humiliations.

Anyway, the pupils are still enormous but not the level of cartoon-drug-trip they were earlier. The doctor told me I wouldn't be able to read for about two hours afterwards, then asked if that would be a problem. I said no, but internally I was trying not to punch him the face. Two hours! Eff you pupils and tiny freckle! Eff, you!

My brother's wife was texting me before the exam so after, when she sent another text, I responded again because my vision hadn't gotten blurry and sort of painful. This continued for like 15 minutes. Then she sent me one that said: Sorry I am texting you Scotty just told me you had your eyes diluted!

I thought about it for a moment, and didn't correct her auto-correct. (I assume it was auto correct. She's like, anti-social smart so she obviously knows the difference between the two words.) Because my vision had been diluted. So she was technically correct.

Then Jeremy told me pistachios were on sale on deals.woot.com, $5 for a pound. And I was like, you buy the hell out of those right this minute. And I think he did. I stopped reading texts for a while after that. Ya know. Cause of the eye thing. The diluted eyes. The dilated eyes. That stuff.

So I basically spent my morning and early afternoon wearing sunglasses in my house, cause I'm a bad motha, and not reading, cause I was rendered intermediate blind.

Intermediate blind is not a thing. I totes made that up.

Also, my eyes are pretty much the same except the 'script is written differently because the nearsightedness changed in one eye, but so did the Astigmatism. So it balanced out, sort of.

This One's For My Homies

My sister-in-law sent me a text today, one among many bitching about my brother and Christmas gifts. Amidst these angry texts I also received a suggestion to write a blog about one of her recent Facebook statuses and how no one really commented on it and they should have.

So I read it:

Awkward Christmas song lyrics, Under My Tree by 'N Sync:
No one else but me and you
Nothing I would rather do
Then make all your dreams come true
Under my tree
Such a cozy rendez-vous
Just relax enjoy the view
I'll show you how could it could be.
I wish that Santa could be here to see
It's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful under my tree

Now, when I first copied these lyrics over yonder, I had already told Jeremy she had this status. So I get them here, and I'm like, 'Alright here are the Awkward Christmas lyrics.' And I read them aloud. Our conversation went as follows:

Me: (after the lyrics) So that's it.
Jeremy: ...I think it's about the chick licking his balls.
Me: What?
Jeremy: Read it again, that's what it's about.
:I read it again:
Me: Are you saying the tree is-
Jeremy: The tree is his dick.

This made me think of Dick-in-a-Box. I don't know that I agree with this assessment, but it did make me laugh. Merry Christmas... ladies.

Other things that made me laugh: myself. Just now. We were talking about T-shirts and this one shirt he bought me, it's a picture of a dandy looking cup of tea with a cane and monocle, rocking some spats, and running like a spazz behind him is a freaked out cup o' Joe, with crazy eyes. It says, 'Tea, the gentleman's coffee.' Get it, guys? It's my T-shirt. My, t shirt. Tea shirt. It made me CTO.

That's a new thing. I'm starting a new LOL, it's CTO. Chortling To Oneself, or Chortled To Oneself. It'll catch on.

I make myself laugh all the time. (That's actually a line from my sister-in-law. She had it in her About Me on Myspace, back in the day. When I read it, I CTO. CTO'd? This is going to be a tough one to move into the vernacular.)

In unrelated news, I made Jeremy watch The Godfather Saturday night and I live-tweeted his comments. There weren't many, but they amused me. Lots of things amuse me. I would link to it, but it's Twitter. You'll never find it. ... I probably should've put it on my Tumblr now that I think about. Or even hear. I could transpose, I suppose. Apropos of nothing... see what I did there?

I'm done now.