Tuesday!

I just woke up from a nap on the loveseat in my library. It was awesome. I opened my bleary eyes after a natural hour and immediately my gaze upon my rows of books. I wish I could properly convey how happy books make me, so that you would better understand the joyful, relaxed feeling that washed over me. It's also been one of the few times I've taken a nap and it hasn't somehow lasted four hours. Every time I try to rest for a bit after work, I drift off with the intent of it only being for half an hour at most. Then I wake up, feel warm and snuggly but also a little chilled, and burrow further into my blanket and pillow. Being cold always makes me sleepy, which I've recently discovered is a response not many people have. Maybe it's my body trying to accept death. Oh god, maybe it's my body trying to accept death! My body is trying to kill me!

Today at work it was brought to my attention that my supervisors received a reference form to fill out for me from the library, which yes I've still been interviewing for. I was going to mention something to these supervisors, specifically the store manager (who I actually thought was the only person I had to tell directly, but I suppose not?) when I had something more concrete from the library. As it is, a position will more likely be open in January, or sometime shortly after the new year. (This one seems more definite than before.) But since it won't be until January I didn't feel compelled to talk to people at work yet. Then Sunday evening I got a text from one of the other references I used telling me she had gotten a reference form so I decided I would ask at work if they gotten one yet. Before I did, a coworker mentioned to me that one of the supervisors had asked him if he knew anything about me getting a job somewhere else. He did not. Which was true because I hadn't gotten a job somewhere else. This is how I learned that they had received the reference form, and not because a supervisor had asked me. I'm a little irritated about this.

Fair, I should have mentioned to them that a letter would be coming. In my defense I went in to the library Wednesday and since the position wouldn't be open until January I didn't see the need to say anything yet, because again I was waiting for something more definite from the library. Additionally, I was under the impression that I only had to give two weeks notice, not two months (more or less) so even the position would be available this time next month, I would still have no obligation to say anything yet. What I'm irritated about is the way they received this new information and how they responded to it. Instead of directly asking me, calling me when the letter arrived saying 'hey Storm, this letter came is there anything you want to discuss?' to which I could have said, 'oh yes, I've been looking for a new job and it won't be available until after the holidays' they discussed it amongst themselves first. Then discussed it with other employees second. And only discussed it with me third, when I brought it to their attention.

If you are going to enquire about an individuals continued employment, then speak directly to the individual in question. Do not question her coworkers in some kind of lazy, half-assed interrogation so that you can, I assume, have some kind of ammunition against her when she does come to you with her two weeks notice. This feels like it was handled very poorly, and very unprofessionally. If I had known in any way that this is how this news was going to be received, I would not have used the reference. I would have found someone else who would have handled the situation better. Someone who, instead of making me feel like I was some kind of criminal for wanting to better myself and my financial situation, would have cheered on my success and encouraged my endeavours, regardless of whether I did not tell them two months in advance that I may possibly have a new job. I will learn from this experience and in the future, I will not make the same mistake.

A few days ago I shared a short post showing off my terrific new haircut and color. I'm crazy about it. Absolutely crazy about it. The color I'm not overly concerned with but it is autumn and it needed to be darker. Honey blonde wouldn't have been bad, but sometimes when I go for a change, I just go big. Really that's the only way to go. So I went from sun-bleach blonde (though it was from a bottle, and not actually bleached, just very light blonde) and almost two feet long (no joke) to medium (read mousy) brown and approximately ten inches from root to tip. You guys, it feels amazing. Every morning I wake up and it looks awful cause there's no way to sleep to keep it from getting out of control, and I look in the mirror before my shower and I think 'good lord, what did you do?' and then I remember, 'oh yeah, I hacked off my hair and died it the color of mud.'

I love it so much. It's still long enough that I can curl it, I can flip it, I can just throw some leave in conditioner in it and let it do it's thing. It's naturally wavy, how terrific is that? None of this super straight, or spirally curly crap. Just a happy medium. You could never see it when it was longer because it's insanely thick and the weight of it just pulled out the wave out. You could see at the ends though, where it kind of curled, that it was trying. Oh god was it trying. But it just couldn't do it. So I helped it out a little. I seriously love it so much. I keep wanting to take pictures of it, cause I'm so proud of how it looks. It's still a little dry, because I've destroyed it recently with constant coloring and not enough conditioning, but it's soft and fluffy and still has the waves. If I let it air dry, I get little spiral curls at the base of my neck. They're super cute. I'm sincerely in love with my hair.

Since my hair was over ten inches, I'm going to donate it. Except I wanted to do it as a selfless act and there's no real way to do that because people keep asking me if I donated it. I want to say no, but then I like when people think I'm a good person, so I say yes. Of course. Also, Locks of Love gives you the option of being recognized for your good deed of giving a little boy or girl a sweet head of hair, and they make it seem like you would be considered a bad person for not wanting to be recognized. So when I get paid tomorrow I'm going to mail my hair to Locks of Love, and have them recognize my charitable acts. Sometimes things you do to feel good about yourself have to be done publicly. (That's not true, but I do like being recognized positively because I'm selfish and needy. Who isn't sometimes?)

Friday Morning 8:24-10:20am, Re-Cap

I had an interview at the library Friday, and I swear to god, I have no idea how it went. Here's what happened:

I know in advance that there will be a small group of us all involved in a 'joint interview.' So I'm prepared for a few other people. There are at least ten. At least. I am the youngest. And I don't mean by a 4 or 5 years, I mean I'm the youngest applicant by a minimum of 10 years. So naturally my entire game is thrown off. I don't know what I was expecting but I sincerely did not expect that.

I also know in advance there will be a series of clerical tests, after all I'm applying for a desk clerk position at a library. I understand there are some things that are difficult to phrase on a resume, e.g. I can answer 20 mathematical questions ranging from addition and subtraction to multiplication and division in under 7 minutes with approximately a 90% success rate. So I'm ready for the testing. There are four tests involved.

Typing test: type as much of this page (which consists of 4 paragraphs, indentations, quotation marks, and one underlined word) as can you 5 minutes. If you finish the page, begin writing again until time has run out. You take the test twice and they take your best score. Pretty simple stuff. We're given a minute or two to practice. Half way through my practice run, the woman on my right leans over and earnestly says, "You're making me nervous! You're typing so fast!"

I actually apologized to her.

So we start the test. I'm just trucking along feeling pretty good about things, and why shouldn't I? I only need to be able to type 30wpm, and they're giving me 4 paragraphs and 5 minutes. I've got this under control. Then I stumble on the underlined word. And I completely blank on keyboard commands. So I skip the underlining part and from there it gets worse, but in really simple, irritating ways. I don't even finish the page. When the time is up, I've just tabbed in to begin the last paragraph, which is one goddamn sentence. So I'm pissed that I couldn't finish the damn thing. Then we're asked to "send the print job". We're in Microsoft Word, a program I used to use all the friggin' time. I glance up to my tool bar. There's no File tab. I glance around for a printer icon. There's nothing there. I sit quietly and begin freaking the fuck out internally.

How is this going to look if I have to ask the librarian for help in printing the typing test I haven't even managed to complete that I'm taking so that I can apply for a position in the library, possibly working with her?

It's going to make me look like a goddamn fool, that's how it's going to look.

I use OpenOffice. I have no need for Microsoft Office, or any updated versions of it. Not when I'm just writing at home on my own laptop. But in the library, I do. And apparently a few changes were made when they moved on up. For example, the 2007 edition does still have a print option. And if you've used it you know where it is. I sat very still for a moment in time that seemed to stretch on forever, hoping like hell the librarian wouldn't come over and ask how I was doing. Then finally, salvation. The woman to my left clicked on an icon in the upper left corner, and a menu dropped down. I followed suit on my own computer. And lo! there was the Print option.

Bless that random applicant. Bless her tiny haven't-taken-a-typing-test-since-'78 heart.

Then we were asked to delete everything and start again.

Afterwards  we went back to the room we started in, with tables strewn about like a classroom, and we were given the math tests. I hate math. I hate math so much I want to punch it right in it't stupid math face. But math doesn't have a face, so I have to be satisfied with the knowledge that I'm awesome at it, but only if I want to be. And I never want to be. I was under the impression, thanks largely (read entirely) in part the library website, that I was allowed to use a calculator. She hands the tests out, and nobody is taking out a calculator. I want to ask if I can, but then I remember how much younger than everyone I am and suddenly feel incredibly insecure and shy. I stay quiet. We start the test and I literally find myself tapping my pencil on the table as I count off numbers in my head. I'm so messed up and anxious about the entire thing I completely forget that 6+7=13, or that 9x8=72.

Picture, if you will, me sitting at this table by myself, because nobody wanted to sit with me, at the back of the class, hunched over my test, gripping my pencil like I'll die if I let it go, one hand fisted in my hair as I struggle to both count without using my fingers 7 plus 6, and not fog up my glasses because I'm leaning so far over there's barely any room between my face and the table for air.

Then picture that same thing, except me adding 9 eight times, still struggling not to use my fingers, because if you had held a gun to my head I still could not possibly have told you that the total of 9, eight times is seventy-fucking-two.

I got that cold feeling in the pit of my stomach as reality sank in and I accepted that the only thing that could possibly save me was just not answering the question. Not answering seemed safer somehow than answering wrong. So I said fuck it, and skipped it.

The two other tests were first alphabetizing and then determining whether three sets of number were all the same, all different, or if only two of them were similar, and if so, which two. The last one I nailed. I'm sure of it. The alphabetizing I felt great about, until I got home and I was telling Jeremy about it and I suddenly thought: fuck, did I misunderstand the directions?

I have no idea how I scored on any of the tests. Not one.

There was no actual interview. There has not been an actual interview. When I first applied, it was via emailing my resume to the human resource assistant, who sent me a few questions in reply. I sent her back my answers, and they called to ask if I wanted to come in for an interview. I don't know if this interview will ever actually take place. Apparently, it's a really long hiring process. If they're interested, based off of my emailed responses and my test scores, then they'll ask me to sit down with human resources. If they're still interested I'll be asked to come back to sit down with someone else in the library. And then, if they're still keen, after all that, I'll be asked to come in for a trial work day.

And even then, that doesn't guarantee employment. They require a 4-5 year job commitment from all applicants. Which I said, sure no problem, to. Stupid answer, because they aren't even hiring right now. I knew that to begin with but I agreed to come in and test because they hire 3-4 clerks a year and they say some people are talking about retiring. Jesus this whole thing sounds ridiculous now that I see it written out:

I applied for a position that isn't open yet, but may be open in the near future, they think.

I'm applying for a rumor, basically.

This is my life.