Previously on: My Life

I hate when awful things happen to people I usually talk to about random things, because then I don't know how to talk to them again. Bad things have been going on and I feel obligated to only speak to them about those things, which is terrible because then it's a constant reminder of those bad things. But I feel like it would be pretty shitty of me to just be like, 'Hey you should check out Prometheus, here's why' or 'This chick at work doesn't know how to walk in flip-flops, they are like literally slapping the ground. They should call them slap-shoes.' Instead I just don't talk to them for awhile. Which is also pretty shitty. In fact it's probably worse cause we're friends, and friends don't just cut you out of their lives until a respectable time has passed for you to deal with things. I'm a terrible person.

I don't know if I mentioned that we finally got a washer and dryer, but we did. It's been awesome, except they're older models so I'm worried something's going to break soon. So far so good though. They're small so I keep having to do like four loads, or turn the dryer back on for another cycle. That parts irritating, but I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

Jeremy and I watched all of Community over the last two weeks, and I liked it so much (apparently) that on my days off I've been re-watching it. Seriously. I focus on Jeff-Annie centric episodes sometimes, cause damn it I need them to happen! Relationships like theirs, I always need them to develop. I don't care for the will they-won't they crap, that is not interesting to me at all. Castle and Becket? Them finally getting together this season did not please me. I wanted a little joke/reveal thrown in somewhere about how they've been dating for awhile but they just don't talk about it or something. They can still banter and be adorable and have the same dynamic if they're dating. I don't understand why they couldn't or how things would really change. I just don't see the problem. The reason I want Jeff and Annie to work out though is cause Jeff kind of reminds me of Jeremy: sarcastic, kinda pretentious, bit of an ass, but he has these really good, commendable qualities that he doesn't let a lot of people see and Annie's this sweet, intelligent woman who can bring out those qualities and make him feel like he's not a pussy for being a good guy. Plus, Alison Brie and Joel McHale have terrific chemistry, and their height difference is adorable.

Back to the washer and dryer, I am not excited for our water and electric bill to blow up. Being an adult sucks that way.

Hulu has been advertising Green Acres, the complete series. So... my next few weeks are going to be kinda busy you guys. I know you're all disappointed.

Also, Prometheus was actually pretty good. But then  I also thought Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was awesome, so I don't know that my judgement can be trusted. And I still listen to The Backstreet Boys when I want to clean. (Their music always made me want to clean. It's a weird subliminal thing, I'm sure of it. That and move furniture. Jive Records man.)

Paper Presents

Yesterday was our first anniversary, and it was lovely and meaningful and I share a lot of things on this blog (like, a lot of things. Inappropriate things.) but I'm keeping that one to myself. I got him a role-playing book, cause he's a geek, he got me a lovely picture based on one of my favorite movies. Because the first anniversary is paper.

I had this heartfelt concept for this post but then I thought: "No. Let's not." So instead, I'd like to share with you our wedding vows. They were written the morning of the wedding, and I tweaked them until like an hour before the ceremony. Our friend who officiated read them aloud for the both of us. I paraphrased William Shakespeare and F. Scott Fitzgerald (cause I'm super pretentious.). I keep them in a folder on my laptop called Important Shit. And I think they're lovely.

I love you, and that is the beginning of everything.

I come here today to join my life with my best friend.

I pledge to be true to you, to respect you, and to grow with you through the years.

I will hold you above all others.

Wherever you will go, I will go.

Whatever you will face, I will face.

Through laughter or tears, through riches or poverty, I vow here that this love will be my only love.

My heart is ever at your service, and I will make my home in yours from this day forward.

So there ya go. A glimpse into our wedding, because we didn't film the ceremony and I keep forgetting to get pictures printed to keep with me at all times so I can whip out a photo album.

PS we forgot to eat the piece of wedding cake we've had in our freezer last night so we're eating it tonight. Extended anniversary!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Awkward Moments From My Young Life

When I was a freshmen in college I had a class with a guy who I thought was crazy adorable. He had curly brown hair that wasn't frizzy (which like, never happens), big blue eyes and glasses (I love glasses, so I was immediately in. And he actually needed them.) and he was a physics major. He also shared a name with a famous physicist. Fuck it, even if he reads this he knows how awkward the whole thing was. Isaac Newton. His name was legitametly Isaac Newton. So, I have this huge crush on him. And being my socially inept self I had no idea how to talk to him. No frickin' clue. I couldn't even work up the nerve to sit next to him and say hi. So instead, I wrote him a note. Because having a crush on someone in college is the equivalent to having a crush on someone when you're in the third grade, without the "check yes or no" boxes. If you're me. Even better, I was going to leave it on top of his books when I left class, lost my nerve, started to leave, got my nerve back, and turned back to give it to him and almost smacked into him. Then handed him the stupid thing. It said, "what is your full name?"

I wish I had made that up.

SORRY TO FAMILY READING WHAT FOLLOWS, BUT IT IS CALLED 'AWKWARD MOMENTS'
I got involved with a guy who was like, 16 years older than me when I was 19 (I think). His name I won't mention because it makes me want to punch babies knowing this period of my life really happened. An older guy was paying attention to me and I was like, "fuck yeah let's hang out cause apparently I have daddy issues!" Not really though, but it was nice to have someone that other people thought was cool pay attention to me. Turns out he was a super douche, and I learned a valuable lesson about not getting involved with fucking idiots. The awkward part is the night he called me and basically wanted me to "take care of" myself while we were on the phone. I was not interested because while I thought it would be so cool to date an older man, I most certainly did not want to engage in sexual activity of any kind with him. (We kissed this one time and I freaked out when he tried to put his tongue in my mouth cause it felt slimy and gross. (It was like, the second time I had been kissed in my life at that point.) He thought I was being a prude. What the fuck ever, douche.) So, he started talking about all this sexual stuff (I think) and what he's doing to me (I think) and I have no idea what he was saying cause he was super quiet and it was creepy so I actually pretending to be... ya know... taking care of things. It got to the point where I just didn't want to be on the phone anymore and I was desperately trying to find a way to get out of this conversation, so I started to laugh. Intentionally. I thought to myself, what is the best way to change the subject? Oh I know, chuckle quietly until he gets distracted. And then, when he asks why I'm laughing, say it's because I finished and I was feeling groovy.

I don't think this is coming across with the right emphasis. I'll try again: Oh I know, chuckle quietly until he gets distracted. And then, when he asks why I'm laughing, say it's because "I...finished, and I'm feeling pretty...groovy."

I also wish I had made that up.

When I was 15 I was in mutual like with a friend of a friend. We joked and flirted in our awkward 15 year old way. He once jokingly tried to put his arm around me and I laughed because I thought he was doing it jokingly and he interpreted it as me not being interested. He was just as awkward as I was, so obviously nothing was ever going to happen. We never even kissed. Then one night we were talking seriously about liking each other and I thought it would be cool and grown up of me (15 year old jackass) to say that I wasn't interested in a relationship but it would be cool if we still hung out and maybe, ya know, did things. (Nothing happened. He lost interest because who the fuck says that shit? Stupid 15 year old idiot Storm, that's who.)

And I very much wish that I had made that up.

People like me exist.

You're welcome, world.

Jeremy VS The Pickle

Jeremy went out to McDonald's in North Lima, approximately 10-15 minutes from us because the one only 5 minutes away consistently fucks up our orders (although I do admire that consistency). He hates pickles. Fucking hates them. If he could remove all pickles from the planet, he absolutely would, even if it meant that I would suffer because I love them. And every once in awhile the North Lima location will put pickles on his burgers but because it's so uncommon from them he just takes them off and suffers quietly through his pickle juice saturated burger. But not tonight.

Tonight he went back out to North Lima to ask for a burger made the way his damn receipt said it was made, NO PICKLE. He was so fired up his exact words were: "I'm going back out there."

He gets there, speaks to a manager who says they'll remake it and give him fresh fries, and he waits for his new NO PICKLE Big Mac. They give him the new bag, and to be sure, he takes the burger out to check it.

Opens the lid.

Checks under the bun.

Fucking pickles.

So he just closes it back up and sets the container on the counter without saying anything. The manager turns around, sees the box, and says the following: "Fucking seriously?" (I'm paraphrasing. But I'm not far off.)

The manager had to make it himself to be sure there were no pickles on it.

I don't understand the inability of human beings to follow simple instructions.

Things That Piss Me Off (part like, a hundred)

When I'm reading a book (I have a lot of peeves regarding me and books) don't ask me what I'm reading. I don't have my book with me in the hopes that you'll comment on it. I have my book with me because I want to fucking read it. When you ask me what I'm reading, I have to either show you the cover, or actually tell you. The fact that I have to do either of those things infuriates me. Here are my reasons why:

If I show or tell you and then continue to read it, you will either say something like "oh I've never heard of it", "oh cool, is it any good?", "I don't know that author" or my least favorite question ever: "what's it about?" When you do this, I am left with no choice but to engage in conversation with you. This conversation will in no way be entertaining, intelligent, insightful, or enjoyable for me whatsoever. You have already presented me with more than enough facts for me to determine that you're a fucking idiot. When a person has something in front of them that can command their attention, and they are allowing it to, this generally means they do not want their attention diverted. By asking stupid questions, "what's it about?", you are diverting their attention. If that book was a person that I was in discussion with, and you waltzed up and just started asking me what we were talking about without politely interrupting and excusing yourself for doing so, both the individual I was speaking to and myself would consider you rude, impertinent, and impolite. Also, a douche.

Don't be a douche.

If I do answer your question and you are familiar with the book, there is no need for you to say anything else. Because, again, I am not looking to have a conversation with you. If you do feel the need to further comment, please always bear in mind that from that point on I am killing you in my head. Slowly. Every word you say is another drop of water on your forehead, another electric shock, another bamboo shoot under your nails. If you ever say the words "I approve" I immediately lose all respect for you as a human being, and my perception of your intelligence goes from wherever it may be at this point in our relationship straight down to zero. In fact, everything you've done to garner favor in my book, whether you're aware of it or not, vanishes. Just, fucking, vanishes. You must begin again. You must start slowly. (That, is a literary reference. It is paraphrased, so I have chosen not to use quotation marks.)

I will direct you to a previous paragraph, in fact the first paragraph, and to a sentence, the second sentence to be precise, and the end of that sentence, to be very precise: "in the hopes that you'll comment on it." I feel like I really need to drive this home. The fact that you approve of the book I am reading is literally worthless to me. You're opinion, of my taste in literature, has. No. Worth to me.

Here are my answers to your stupid fucking questions that I don't care to answer. Please commit them to memory so that in future, we will not have to have this completely pointless and useless waste of my goddamn time:

You: Oh I've never heard of it.
Me: (noncommittal grunt)

You: Oh cool, is it any good?
Me: (noncommittal grunt)

You: I don't know that author.
Me: (noncommittal grunt)

You: What's it about?
Me: (noncommittal grunt)

Do you see a pattern emerging?

If there is a book present, that book is always more important to me than you.


I'm a very angry person.

See how much more majestic this is than you? Remember that.  This is the Trinity College Library, motherfucker. And it is not fucking around.

Sunday Night Reflections

The thing about work that I think irks me the most, well second most because one thing in particular infuriates me so much sometimes I grind my teeth in my sleep over it, is the insincerity. I'm a very dry, sarcastic person. Obviously I'm aware of this. But if someone is exceeding at something that they previously have not been, I make it a point to be as sincere as possible when complimenting them on it. Or, if they're just doing a good job in general I like to be supportive to encourage more of this behavior. The other day at work, I was working in an area that I hadn't been in at all that day and two supervisors were standing near by chatting. They saw me begin work, chatted briefly a bit more, and than made very sardonic comments pertaining to what I was doing. "Storm over here, finally getting some work done." "Yeah Storm, jeez just standing around all day?"

I love sarcasm. It's one of my favorite forms of humour. But for god's sake: read your frickin' audience.

That is unprofessional, it makes me look like a lazy, incompetent employee, and it makes you look bad for putting someone like me in that position. And not just if the store is open and customers can hear you, but to other employees as well. Just be professional. There is a time and a place for being dry, and it is not when an employee has been working hard her entire shift but you haven't seen it so you think it's all joke and fun time. Had you been there with me my entire shift, while I was climbing ladders and sweating and lifting heavy objects and generally doing what I can to perform my job duties to the best of my abilities, than I would not mind your sarcastic and derisive comments at all. I would be humored by them and I would laugh and joke back with you.  Because I would know you were just joking. Do not just clock in and immediately start jokingly critisizing my work and my work ethic. That feels like a personal attack to me and it only makes me want to cause you physical harm.

In unrelated news, I bought a pair of prescription sunglasses today. I'm excited for their arrival. In a few short weeks, I'll be able to protect my eyes from the sun and I won't have to worry about my eyes getting tired from my cheap contacts because I can't afford the super wet and moist ones. More to come when they get here.

Did I mention that we recently sold my piano to a friend of ours? Well we did. I was really happy about it too, thinking we had given it to a good home and if at some point in the future I wanted that particular one back we could just call up our friend. Turns out, no. That future is not to be. Our friend had in his truck and he wanted to use a forklift to get it back out, and he gets the lift positioned under the piano, then realizes he's going to need to move his truck to get the piano out without incident. And I tuned (pun) out a little bit but somehow the piano straight up fell out of his truck.

And broke into a bunch of tiny pieces. Ivory keys and gold plating and all.

I am very sad/angry about this.

Also, (and this is only a footnote because I'll get crazy emotional if I write about this) Ray Bradbury passed away June 5th in his sleep. He was 91. And I'm devastated over it, and every time I think about it I'll get that tight feeling in my chest like when you wrap a string around the tip of your finger and it starts to go numb because you're cutting off the circulation and my eyes will prickle, just a tiny bit. Nothing obvious. But it will happen.

Catching Up (Briefly)

Had a third interview at the library. It went very well. It was approximately 30 minutes long. I shelved some books, corrected some spelling, and changed the paper orientation in Excel. For reals. I won't hear anything for at least another two weeks while they hire someone for a technical position that is actually open. But I feel really good about this. (Famous last words.)

We finally got rid of our piano. I don't think I've talked about this much, or ever, but I used to have a piano. Big, space-taking-up thing, upright, and out of tune. Desperately out of tune. My dad got me one when I was about 17 for my birthday, it was free-ish. It was also in worse shape than the one I just got rid of. And we traded it in somehow for the current one. Then I moved out and it came with me and I was playing for awhile but then I wasn't, and then it had been months since I had played it (then years), and I kept moving it around the apartment trying to find out of the way places for it, until it basically became and enormous shelf that could, if you really wanted it to, play music. So we sold to a friend of ours for 5 bucks, he loaded up in his truck one night, and now my living room looks massive. And I miss it. (Of course.)

I think there's moisture under our carpets. It feels almost tacky when I walk in my barefeet. If I kneel down my knees don't get wet but the carpet feels like they should. I know I need to call our landlord about it but I keep forgetting to clean the candle wax off the one wall from that time the candle melted while I was actually home and in the same room as it and still managed to completely miss it. I don't need him finding things to give me shit about while he tries not to take care of the black mold in the basement and moisture in my floors. (I hate this place. So damn bad.)

Our next big trip is traveling Route 66. Since part of the original route no longer exists we're going to take another one as close as possible. We'll follow through the original states on the way to Los Angeles and then on the way back we'll take the route Google Maps recommends because it'll take us through Colorado, Utah, and Iowa, and we want to hit as many states as we can. We'll take off like a week and a half, maybe two, so we can have time in each state and get pretty pictures and stuff. If you drive straight through it takes about a day and half and you go through 8 states so that seems like a decent amount of time to still be able to see things. Some states, like Kansas, you're barely there so those will be the ones where we grab a shot glass from a gas station. I'm so excited about it. I really want to go in time to coincide with the Albuquerque Hot Air Balloon Festival, cause I've heard it's really beautiful and the pictures are always so cool, but that's in early October so we aren't sure on that one yet. It would mean leaving here just as it's getting chilly, which isn't a big deal cause we'd get out to L.A. and it wouldn't totally kill us, but it would also mean coming back just as it's getting chilly. (We don't really like the cold.)

That's basically it. I don't do much.